The butterfly

The butterfly
Author Unknown

One day, a man was walking and found a butterfly still inside of its cocoon. He looked closer and saw that the butterfly was working very hard to fit its body through a tiny, tiny hole in the cocoon so it could get out and fly around. The man decided to help the butterfly.  He used scissors to cut a bigger hole in the cocoon.

The butterfly was free from the cocoon and the man thought it would fly away quickly.  But the butterfly could not fly.  Its body was too swollen and its wings were too shriveled for flying.  It was out of its cocoon, but this butterfly would never be able to fly.

Although the man was trying to help by cutting the cocoon, he didn’t realize one very important thing about butterflies. Even thought it is very hard work, pushing its body through that tiny, tiny hole in the cocoon helps make the butterfly strong enough to fly.  All that hard work makes its body trim and its wings big and strong.  The challenge of fitting through that tiny, tiny hole makes the butterfly able to fly.

We’re a lot like butterflies sometimes too.  We need to work hard to get through the challenges we face.  And, like the butterfly, once we work through them, we’re stronger too.  If we didn’t have those challenges, we would never get any stronger.

utpal. on Flickr

This short story illustrates the need for us to help ourselves during times of struggle and hardship.  For example, if you want to go to college, you are the only one who can make it happen for you.  Of course, there may be people who can guide you along the way (advisers, teachers, and/or parents), but ultimately, the hard work comes from you (attending school, getting good grades, applying for college, applying for scholarships/financial aid, etc).

The next example is also related to school: cheating.  Many people may think that cheating will benefit them because they will pass their classes and graduate from school.  But what use is cheating when you have not learned anything?  How will you thrive and be successful once you get into your profession if you have cheated throughout school?  You will be just like the butterfly above, out of its cocoon with a set of wings, but unable to fly.

Some people experiencing domestic violence may expect friends, family, or advocates to “rescue” them from their abusers.  Alternatively, some may think that those experiencing domestic violence need to be “rescued” from their abusive situation.  The decision for someone to leave their abuser is up to the victim.  They are the butterfly struggling to get out of their cocoon and even though there may be others to support them (family, friends, advocates), it is ultimately the victims who will be taking the steps to seek out and use resources available to them.

In the end, it’s our struggles and our lives.  How are we going to learn from it if we’re constantly expecting others to “do it” for us?  Or how are they going to learn if we’re constantly “doing” for them?  I am not telling you to don’t ask for help or don’t help those who ask.  Please, by all means, ask if you need help and help if someone asks.  Just don’t expect others to do it for you and don’t do it for others when they ask.  There is a difference.  Life is much more wonderful when everyone has a set of wings and is able to fly.

My new year’s resolutions: Less meat and more self-care

Can you believe it, 2012 is here!  We have less than 12 months to live until the end of the world.  Haha!  No, the world is not going to end on December 21, 2012. Life is just barely beginning!

I have never done new year’s resolutions.  When I was younger, I used to think they were a load of BS.  I mean, why wait until the beginning of the year to make a life-changing goal and strive for it?  Shouldn’t it be that you make resolutions all year long?  Who came up with new year’s resolutions anyway?  And although I have never found the answers to my questions, I’ve realized that the new year motivates people to try something new and work towards positive changes.  A new year should bring about a new you, am I right?

This year will be the first year I’m making new year’s resolutions.  I have 2 resolutions: 1) Eat less meat; and 2) Do more self-care.

My first new year’s resolution shouldn’t be that difficult.  I already love my veggies (and fruits).  I just need to cut back on the meat.  I would love to be vegan, but there are certain dishes (e.g., pho, kapoon, egg rolls, boiled pork with greens, Hmong sausage, Hmong boiled chicken with herbs) that I love, love, love, and I just can’t give them up.

The harder resolution is the second one: Self-care.  What is self-care, you may ask.  It simply is taking care of yourself.  Self-care encompasses many things—such as saying no, not taking on things you can’t handle, taking a break from work/school/chaotic family life/etc, spending time doing something you love, hanging out with friends and/or family, being alone, and so much more.  Today’s world is going at such a lightening-fast pace that our bodies and minds are constantly going and going and going.  There is no time We make no time to stop and simply just breathe and take care of our aching soul.

I have always been doing self-care, but not as much as I should.  Daily stress can really take a toll on us.  We may think we’re okay and then one day—BAM!—we hit a concrete wall and realize we can go no further.  Some people quit their jobs of 10+ years, get divorced, buy an expensive I-can’t-afford-it car, or leave their family obligations behind.  In my opinion (I have no scientific fact to back this up) what people describe as mid-life crisis may just be the result of not doing self-care.  A wonderful woman I know introduced me to a wonderful book last year, Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others.  While I was reading it, I realized that I do have secondary trauma from the work that I do as a parent and advocate.  As I was reading page by page, chapter by chapter, I saw myself in the examples the author gave.  It was so eye-opening!  I really thought I was doing a good job of taking care of myself.  And so, I am making changes to take better care of myself so I can function at 100% to be a better person.

Well, happy new year to everyone!
May you work hard this 2012 to bring you peace and happiness.

Take care,
MB

Two Sides to Every Story

 

A woman told me years ago that she understands the dynamics of domestic violence. She understands that there are many different types of abuse: verbal, mental, physical, etc.  But she also understands that sometimes women provoke a man to abuse them.  (???)  I quote her when I write this, “If she brings out the worse in him, then it’s her own damn fault!”

“There are two sides to every story,” she concluded.  ”And no one should believe her words without hearing his too.  She cannot ruin the reputation of a nice man.”  I have heard it one too many times—usually from the same people—that whenever they bring it up, I just either leave the discussion (because it will piss me off) or keep my mouth shut (because they’ll never get it).

Domestic violence is never the fault of the victim.  NEVER.  Period.

Let’s have a few examples:

Kate’s work meeting ran late.  She got home at 6pm instead of 5pm as she usually does.  She started dinner, but did not finish by the time her husband got home from work at 6:30pm.  Regardless of her reason, her husband didn’t want to hear any of it.  He expected dinner to be ready by the time he came home every day.  He verbally abused her for the next couple of hours.

Alexandra was excited about her friend’s birthday party.  Her boyfriend showed up and told her that there’s been a change of plans.  He was going to his cousin’s to hang out instead.
“Well, you don’t have to go with me to Mary’s if you don’t want to,” Alexandra said.
“If I’m not going, then you’re not going.”
“I’m going!  She’s my best friend; I can’t just not go.”
“You’re not going!”
“Why can’t I do anything with my friends, but you’re always drinking with your buddies?!”
“Because you’re a slut and I know what you’ll do when I’m not there!”
“I’m not a slut and I’m going.  I don’t care what you say.”
“You’re really not going to listen to me?”
Alexandra’s boyfriend grabbed her and slapped her a couple of times.
“If you don’t listen to me next time, it’s going to be worse,” he said as he left.

Olivia refused to get an abortion after her boyfriend told her he didn’t want to keep the baby.  Her boyfriend kicked her in the stomach every time the subject was brought up until she had a miscarriage.

What do the stories illustrate to you?  Was it the victims’ faults that they brought the abuse onto themselves?  Or do you hold the abuser accountable for the abuse?

Just for the sake of argument, let’s try to look at the abusers’ sides of the stories. Kate’s husband did not get to have dinner right when he got home from work.  Kate was an incompetent wife.  What’s so hard about having dinner ready for a hard-working husband, right?

Alexandra’s boyfriend did not want her to attend her friend’s birthday party.  She shouldn’t have argued with him.  He just wanted to be respected and listened to. Alexandra knew what her boyfriend was capable of.  If she had only listened to him, he wouldn’t have slapped her.

Olivia should’ve never gotten pregnant.  And besides, she should’ve gotten an abortion.  That would’ve prevented her from being kicked.  Poor guy, he didn’t want to be stuck with the responsibilities of a child.

Sadly, this is how society views abuse.  If the victim had or hadn’t done this or that, she wouldn’t have been abused.  She could’ve prevented it, but she didn’t, so it’s her fault.  If only she had given in to his demands, if only she had no personal boundaries, no personal rights, if only she hadn’t pushed him to his limit….

Many people request that we please stop and look at the situation from both sides of the stories before helping an abused victim.  But do we really need to know the reason behind an abuser’s actions?  No, because no matter what the reasons are, it still gives them no right to abuse.  An abusive person will use whatever means possible to gain and maintain power and control.  By saying that there are two sides to an abusive relationship does not make the abuser accountable and blames the victim for creating the problem.

It really irritates me when people ask that I please look at an abuser’s perspective before jumping to conclusions.  I cannot fathom how someone can abuse the person they claim to love.  A non-abusive person would approach any conflict with non-violent resolutions.  A non-abusive person would not become aggressive if dinner wasn’t ready on time, if their partner wanted to hang out with friends, or if she had gotten pregnant.  Why should we give abusers the benefit of the doubt that he had good reasoning behind his actions?  He has no right to treat her that way.  End of story.  (I understand that domestic violence is a learned behavior and the abuser most likely grew up in an abusive environment, but that still does not make it okay for him to abuse).

Note: I know that women can abuse men.  However, statistics show that men are more violent and abusive than women.  That is why the language in this blog post is gender-specific to men as the abusers.

How to show your appreciation during the holidays

Every year, wherever I go online, I see people showing thanks to their family and friends on online networking site and the blogosphere.  I don’t like to publicly show appreciation and gratitude—especially online.  It’s not because I’m not thankful because I really do appreciate everything everyone has done for me.  It’s simply because there will always be that one person (or two or three or more) who gets angry and offended that you didn’t thank them enough.  I’m pretty sure we all know at least one of them.

My mistake last year was to show appreciation to those in my life by posting up on Facebook every couple of days who I was thankful for.  At first, it seemed like the most convenient and ideal way because by the end of November, I would have thanked everyone who have made an impact in my life.  (I also secretly wanted to show off what awesome family and friends I have).  And so, at the start of November, I started thanking people in no particular order.

Some people got very upset at me.  They didn’t tell me, but I heard it through the grapevine.  ”Why is she thanking others and giving them credit for the things that I’ve done?”

I had no ideal that my actions—or words—would indirectly hurt people.  I was confused because I was giving credit where credit was due.  Well, at least, I thought I was.  I even thanked those who had negatively influenced me to make me struggle to learn and grow.  Well, you can’t please everyone, can ya?

Here are my 4 simple tips on how to show your appreciation during the holidays so that you will not upset those who are hypersensitive, like to be the center of attention, or like to take others’ credit.  If you follow these tips, there will be less stress on you and more time to enjoy the happiness that the holidays is all about!

• DO NOT show appreciation online, whether it is through Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, WordPress or any other online networking or blogging sites.  When you do this, you are publicly showing the world who is important to you.  But keep in mind that you are telling others who is not important to you as well—even if it is not your intention to.

• DO NOT individually thank people online like I did.  The best way is to just state a general comment: I’m thankful for my family and friends.  That’s it!  Say no more to save yourself from the wrath of the people who get upset when they’re not the center of your attention.

• Tell your people personally or write to them privately to let them know how much you love and appreciate them.  This way, no one knows else knows for whom and what you’re thankful.  There is less of a chance your family and friends will be comparing notes.  I mean, who would say, “Hey, MB told me she appreciates me for popping the pimple on the back of her head” to someone else.  And they will feel special enough to not feel that you appreciate someone more than them.

• And lastly, if you don’t listen to me and do show appreciation online—because I know you want to show off like that—make it your life to not forget anyone.  It will be the end of the world for you if you do.  And don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If you have any more tips, please add them into the comment section below.  I would greatly appreciate them.  And Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Fear of Death

via Wikimedia Commons

Sendie-Lou wrote a blog after reading an article about a 3-year-old girl who survived on leftover food for 2 days after her mom died.  Sendie thought about what would happen if she and her spouse suddenly died .  What would happen to her children? She lives far away from family, so who would notice if they’re gone?

Sendie is not alone.  I, too, have worried about what would happen to my children if my spouse and I unexpectedly kicked the bucket.

Before I had children, I had already came to terms with death.  I try living life happy and to the fullest so that when I die, I wouldn’t have any regrets.  Death doesn’t scare me. Once I’m dead, I will be gone.  Emotionless, empty, nothing.  A memory for loved ones to cherish and also just another fragment of energy ready to be converted.  Or if there is a spirit world, I will be continuing my journey to my next destination.  No worries.

And then all that changed when I had children.  Although I’m still not afraid of death or dying, now I’m not ready to go.  Not yet, anyway.  Not until I know that my children will not suffer without me.

I don’t want to leave my children at such a young age.  What would happen to them if both my spouse and I died?  I think about who would care for them and if that person would love them as much as I do.  Will they love them unconditionally?  It’s easier said than done, especially when it’s not your child.

I think about what my spouse would do if I died?  Would he remarry?  If he does, will his new wife love my children?  (Fairy tales have definitely distorted our perceptions of step-mothers).  If he doesn’t remarry, will he be able to care for them while working full time to support them?  How will my children grow up without my love—a mother’s love?  My spouse is a wonderful father.  He loves our children and tries his best, I know.  But he lacks nurture—which is, in my opinion, one of the main components to raising a healthy child.

Then I think about everything that I would miss if I was gone.  My children’s birthdays, first dates, first kisses, puberty, high school, parenting them through adolescence, being there to encourage and support them, their weddings, my grand kids.  The list just goes on and on.

It is every loving mother’s nightmare to suddenly leave her children behind.  It is a scary thought.  Sometimes, I try to reassure myself: there will be people to love my children.  And even if they don’t love my children the way I do or want them to, they will do their best.  And then, doubt starts to set in and I’m scared all over again.

Death is not a scary thing if you know you won’t be leaving anyone behind who aren’t able to fend for themselves.  But when you think about death as a parent of a very young child, it is horrifying.  And maybe that’s the reason why so many people are afraid of death.

Thanksgiving; The neglected holiday

Thanksgiving.  Oh, yes—the holiday that marks the start of European colonists invading and exterminating thousands of indigenous people in America.  Children are taught in schools that Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks and appreciation—like how the Pilgrims thanked the Native Americans for helping them survive their first harsh winter by inviting them to a feast with turkey, mashed potatoes, and pies.

To many Hmong families today—mine included—Thanksgiving is a time, not necessarily to show appreciation, but for friends and families to get together, cook, and eat.  Thanksgiving falls right around the time Hmong families would be having their peb caug feasts.  So, we cook both “Thanksgiving” food and traditional new year food and celebrate peb caug on or around Thanksgiving.

I have always pitied Thanksgiving.  Poor holiday.  It can’t help that its origin consisted of destructive pillages and bloody massacres of Native Americans.   It can’t help that school officials refuse to discuss its true history to their students. I know that if it was up to Thanksgiving, it will be true to itself and not lie about its origin.

Sometimes, I wonder if it’s because of Thanksgiving’s history that Corporate America tends to neglect it and skip right from Halloween to Christmas.  But then I remember that Corporate America is greed and greed doesn’t have a conscience.

Every year, I am saddened to see Christmas trees, lights, and ornaments (instead of Thanksgiving) replace Halloween decorations and costumes in stores.  This year, I was very surprised to see Christmas stuff being sold in mid-October and Halloween wasn’t even over yet!  (Or maybe it has been happening for years and I’ve just never noticed).  Christmas is starting earlier and earlier each year, while Thanksgiving is pushed into a small dusty corner in all major department stores.

Thanksgiving is like the middle child of Corporate America—born in the middle, not given much attention to.  Why? Because Corporate America cannot make as much money from it as it would from its counter-holidays: Halloween and especially Christmas.  What is there to sell during Thanksgiving besides food?  For Halloween, there is candy, costumes, make up, and decorations—and these things are not cheap—especially for those who go all out during this holiday.  For Christmas, you have Christmas trees (plastic and fresh pine), ornaments, lights, decorations, and—most expensively of all—presents.  Don’t forget the Christmas outdoor decoration battles that neighbors have each year (Christmas Tree Lane).  This is why, Christmas overshadows Thanksgiving (and other holidays as well) all the time.

It also doesn’t help Thanksgiving much that Black Friday is right there with it as well. Instead of celebrating Thanksgiving, some families are getting ready for a cold night of camping out to (literally) fight the crowds for Black Friday deals.

Even if it is neglected by many out there, I will always remember Thanksgiving. Not because of its horrible history, but because, every time it comes around, I am reminded that Hmong New Year is just around the corner.  To me, Thanksgiving and Hmong New Year go hand in hand (yes, in a very weird way).

Survivor

Halloween 2011

Why am I passionate about empowering individuals and families affected by domestic violence?  Why am I dedicated to work towards societal change, even if I probably will not see it in my lifetime?  Am I a survivor?  Since it’s Halloween—my favorite holiday of the year—I will tell you my personal horror story.

I am a child survivor of domestic violence.  In order to tell you my story, I have to tell you my mother’s.

My parents met in Thailand when my mom was around 13, maybe 14 years old.  They got married and I was born a year later.  We immigrated to California, US, in 1987. There has always been problems in my parents’ marriage from the start.  My father was not faithful and he cheated—a lot.  Rumors has it that my father named me after one of his girlfriends.  (And for a fact, he named my youngest sister after his girlfriend whom he left us for).

Not only was my father unfaithful, he was very abusive.  As much as I try to dig up good memories of him, they’re nothing compared to all the horror I witnessed and experienced as a child.

It was “normal” for my parents to argue almost every night.  Each time they argued, they turned their bedroom upside down: papers and clothes everywhere, bed tossed over, holes in the walls.  My father broke numerous phones to prevent my mom from calling for help.  He beat her.  My mother hit him back in self-defense.

The police department was familiar with my parents.  Each time they showed up, they warned my parents to not disturb the neighbors and went on their way.  Although my mom said my father was abusing her, law enforcement saw scratches on my father and concluded it was both their faults.

Memories of my childhood are filled with gaps.  I believe this is one of my coping mechanisms developed as a child to keep myself safe.  To this day, I do not remember the red Corolla my mom used to own.  My siblings tell me it existed.  My spouse tells me it existed.  I try to tell myself it really did exist.  My brain gives me a blank: I cannot think of how it looks like, what shade of red, and when we had it.

Despite having a lot of holes in my childhood memories, there is one incident that stands out more than the rest.  Due to my hazy and sometimes inaccurate memory, I don’t remember if I was at school when it happened or if I was at home and witnessed it.  I do know that my father was physically abusing my mom.  My father tore the phone from the wall and he did not let my mom leave.  My mom ran to the door to escape, but my father caught up to her.  As she was trying to open the door, he grabbed her by her hair and smashed her head onto the door panel.  Somehow, my mom pushed my father off of her and, with blood dripping down her face, she ran to the neighbors across from us.  They helped her call 911.

I remember the blood on the door.  It was dried and brown.  No one had the time to clean it up; Everything and everyone was in chaos.  My father was arrested, and my mom was taken to the emergency room.  My father was in jail for a few days, and my mom got stitches on her forehead.  And while my father was in jail, he called every single day—apologizing and telling my mom that he loved and missed her and the children.

It was hard enough knowing that my father had beaten my mom so badly, she went to the hospital.  And then people started talking.  I was young, maybe 8 or 9 years old, but I was aware.  Hmong adults discussed how frightened my father was when he was handcuffed and put in the backseat of the patrol car.  ”Did you see how he was shaking with fear?  She shouldn’t have called the cops.  They could’ve dealt with their problems differently instead of involving law enforcement.”  It bothered me, but I didn’t know why at the time.  As I grew older and became educated on the dynamics of domestic violence, I came to know why it had bothered me so much.  Even though my mom was clearly the victim, the Hmong neighbors made it sound like my mom was the “bad” person because she called the police.

My father’s uncles ask my mom to bail my father out and to recant her statement to police.  They promised her they’ll talk to their son and make sure it will never happen again.  So, my mom bailed my father out and the cycle of violence continued in our home until my father left when I was 12.

My father left a lot of emotional and physical scars, not only to my mom, but to my siblings and me as well.  I still have a bald spot on the back of my head for when my father hit me with a cup.  It was during lunch time.  We were eating; my parents on the big table, my siblings and I were on the smaller table.  I was arguing with my brother, over what, I do not recall.  Instead of telling us to stop arguing, my father hit me on the head with a big plastic cup.  (If you’re wondering why he didn’t hit my brother, I speculate it was because I was older and I should’ve known better not to fight with him).

I remember crying and covering my head with my hands to protect myself from a second blow.  He didn’t strike a second time.  When my father walked away, I lowered my hands and felt something wet.  I looked at my hands and saw blood.  My mom was yelling at my father for hitting me.  In between cries, I managed to say, “Niam, kuv taub hau los ntshav lawm os (Mom, my head is bleeding).”  My mom took me to the bathroom.  She cried silently as she washed off the blood and cut my hair around the wound so she could dress it.

I vowed to break the cycle of violence for myself and my children.  It takes a lot of commitment and re-educating oneself when you have modeled your parents’ behaviors from a very young age: the only way to deal with anger and frustration is to hit another person.

I am fortunate enough to have met a wonderful person who doesn’t abuse me.  He loves, respects, and supports me.  (We have been together for 12 years and he has never been controlling, jealous, possessive, emotionally/verbally/physically abusive). I have two wonderful children who only know punishment in the form of time-outs and negative reinforcement.  (Of course, there’s a lot of positive reinforcements as well). Because of how I live my life today, one would never think that I went through abuse myself as a child.

Working with individuals and families affected by domestic violence is really important to me.  I want to make a difference.  I want to help others.  I want to educate and empower those struggling to get out of the cycle of violence.  I know it’s hard.  But, I also know it’s possible.

I hope you have learned something about the Hmong culture and domestic violence during Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  So, in conclusion:

Don’t ignore the signs of abuse.  You may think it’ll never happen to you, but abuse does not discriminate.  And if you know someone who is being abused, don’t get frustrated because s/he stays or keeps going back.  Leaving an abuser is a process which may take years or even decades.  Let that person know it’s not okay to be treated that way, that there is help out there, and that you’ll be his/her emotional support, even if it is to just listen and validate.  And please take care.

The Hmong: Slow to change

The Hmong community is slowly turning around—and I do stress the word “slowly.”  It has taken the patriarchal Hmong society 30 years in the US to finally realize that we have a problem with domestic violence (DV).

via Flickr (wordcat57)

In July of this year, a conference called “Breaking the Silence Collaboratively: Creating Healthy Families for the Present & Future” took place in Wausau,WI.  This conference was to train Hmong clan leaders in mediation and give them protocols as to how to deal with victims of DV.  This conference was the result of Vang Pao’s efforts in putting a stop to DV in the Hmong community in 2009.  From what I’ve heard and read, the 18 clans in Wisconsin did not initially cooperate with DV advocates.

Mai Tong Cha, executive director of Hmong American Women’s Association in Milwaukee, stated in an interview that she did not agree with the protocols the 18 clans have developed.  She believed that the clans will not help victims because the clans don’t address the abuser and make him accountable for his actions.  In the same interview, Pa Vang, from the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee, didn’t think the guidelines are fair to Hmong women.  Pa stated that the new protocols don’t differ from the traditional clan system.  The protocols only tell a woman who she can turn to when she needs help—and law enforcement or DV agencies are not an option.  Additionally, Hmong DV advocates in Wisconsin banded together to sign a letter stating that they did not agree with the new guidelines the 18 clans have developed during “Breaking the Silence.”  They were concerned and felt these new guidelines will only jeopardize the safety of Hmong women in abusive relationships.

As a result of this division between the clan system and DV advocates, on October 15th 2011, there was a public meeting called “Hmong Mediation Protocols: A Public Dialogue and Input Session” in Wausau, WI.  The purpose of this is (1) To inform the public of how the 18 Clan Council works in Wisconsin and how it affects the Hmong community; and (2) Set up new policies for the 18 clans to follow when dealing with victims of DV.

Right after this, the 18 Clan Council in Wisconsin came up with guidelines, such as a DV victim can now call 911 or other agencies that will help them, in addition to calling their clan leaders and family members.  It’s a shame that in today’s world, a victim being abused still needs to get “permission” from her clan to call for help from “outsiders” or she’ll be negatively labeled.  I don’t think the Hmong clan system should trump the American laws.  What kind of culture neglects to follow the laws of the land they’re living in and create their own legal system?

I am shaking my head in disbelief and wondering why it has taken the Hmong 30 years to finally acknowledge domestic violence as a community, but I am glad the community is slowing changing.  There is still a lot of education that needs to be done: Educating the Hmong around power and control, different types of abuse, effects DV has on the children, effects of traditions, etc.

Although I live in California and the change took place in WI, I am hoping that this change will create a ripple effect and influence the Hmong everywhere else in the United States, and hopefully the world.  It may seem a surprise and not much of a big change for my non-Hmong readers that DV victims can finally call 911 for help.  However, this is a big leap because—if you’ve been following me this month—involving law enforcement is not the answer.  The clan system plays a huge role in family mediation and calling law enforcement or seeking help from DV/SA agencies are greatly discouraged.

Domestic violence advocates are planting tiny seeds in hopes that they will grow into blooming trees.  It’s a struggle, but well worth it.  The older generation—those whose strings are strongly attached to traditions—are retiring.  It is up to us, the younger generations, whether we are immigrants or first generation Hmong in the US, to educate ourselves and work towards making positive changes in our culture and community.  I am not saying to let go of our culture and traditions completely, but let go of those that are holding us back.  We need to work together to stop the cycle of violence from continuing from one generation to the next.

Disclaimer:  Women can and do abuse, but statistics have shown that men abuse more than women.  That is the reason why the language in this post is gender-specific to men as the abusers.  Additionally, domestic violence can happen in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships and marriages.  Although homosexuality exists in the Hmong, it is still very taboo.  Hmong marriage dynamics are set up for only heterosexuality with very specific gender roles—the wife serves the husband.  And because traditional Hmong culture revolves around heterosexuality and procreation, I will only be focusing on heterosexual Hmong couples.

Hmong murder-suicides

In November 1998, Young Sayaxang Lee (37) fatally shot his wife, Maichao Vang (28), and also shot and killed himself.  The oldest daughter (11) discovered her mother’s body in the bedroom of their home and called 911.  Police discovered Young’s body in the basement.

In 2006, Joanne Khang (25) was stabbed to death by her husband, Kou Khang (30).  Kou also stabbed himself to death.

In Weston, WI, Chor Xiong (39) shot and killed his estranged wife, Padalina Thao (29) and critically wounded her boyfriend, Pao Chang (41) on September 14, 2006.  Padalina was staying at a women’s shelter in Wausau.  Chor laid in wait in the basement for Padalina and her boyfriend to pick the children up at 7am and shot them when they arrived.

On August 20, 2007, May Yang (31) moved to Fresno, CA to escape her abusive common law husband, Ker Vang (41).  Ker traveled from MN to Fresno, tracked down his wife, and fatally shot her and himself in front of family members.

Around the same time, Chor Thao killed his pregnant wife, Pa Houa.  Chor later stabbed himself to death after being chased by police.

In 2008, Ying Moua (33) fatally shot his wife, Bouavanh Moua (32), their 2-year-old twins, and wounding their 3-year-old daughter, then turned the gun on himself.

In 2009, Dang Xiong (24) shot and killed his wife, Pa Hou Vang (22), outside their home around 11 pm.  He, then, shot and killed himself.

In August of this year, Jenny Moua (22) was shot to death in Merced, CA.  Her ex-fiance fled the scene to Fresno, informed a family member of what he did, and fatally shot himself.

The Hmong community credits murder-suicides to adultery, when wives cheat and leave their husbands for their boyfriends.  In July of 2009, the late and former Major General Vang Pao was invited as the keynote speaker to address domestic violence (DV) in Wausau, WI.  This was the efforts of Hmong social service groups in WI, MN, and CA after a string of murder-suicides were committed in the Hmong community in 2008 and early 2009.

Although I know that Vang Pao’s message meant well, there were a lot of it that shouldn’t have been said.  He stated that the number one reason why the Hmong can’t support each other and live peacefully (in regards to domestic violence; Hmoob toxj kev tsis txhawb nqa thiab txoj kev tsis sib haum xeeb) is because of adultery.

He goes on talking about how Hmong women in the US don’t care for traditions and do whatever they please despite what the clans say.  Vang Pao stated that when the Hmong were still in Laos, they had their own laws, and this—women doing whatever they please, adultery, murder-suicides, DV—didn’t happen.  Now that the Hmong are in the US, the idea of freedom changes us.  According to him, the US legal system is very different from the Hmong traditional ways, and takes the women’s sides most of the time.  Vang Pao stated that a woman can report sexual assault by her husband and he’ll be jailed.  (FYI: In the state of California, it is a felony for anyone to sexually assault their spouse. PC 262).

The part of his speech that offended me the most was when Vang Pao stated that a man is very possessive of his wife.  Even a male fly cannot land on his wife without invoking the jealous wrath inside of him.  Women have to know that their husbands are controlling and possessive in this way, so they shouldn’t do anything to provoke him.  If a man worries about his wife wandering off, he should not allow her to work and just stay at home.

When someone as respected and honored as Vang Pao stands in front of the Hmong community and tells them that victims of DV should know that their husbands are possessive and jealous and for them to not provoke their husbands in any way, he is telling them that it’s their fault if they’re abused.  I may have misconstrued what Vang Pao said, but that was the message implied.  I respect Vang Pao for his efforts to put an end to DV in the Hmong community.  Why, in early 2010, Vang Pao helped with the funeral arrangements of DV victim Mai See Chang when her husband’s family would not give her a funeral.  On November 28, 2009, Mai See died mysteriously right before her husband was set to go to trial for DV charges.  Mai See was a DV client at Valley Crisis Center in Merced, CA.

Domestic violence is the underlying cause of murders and murder-suicides in intimate partnership.  It is the last and most extreme form of abuse and power and control: If I can’t have you, no one will.  A woman’s danger level increases drastically when she leaves her abuser.  Men are more likely to kill than any other time in their abusive relationships when they know their partners are leaving or have left.  This is because when a woman leaves, he no longer has control over her.  In order to maintain control, the abuser resorts to extreme measures: taking away the children, escalated physical abuse, or—as a last resort—murders or murder-suicides.

Many people, including the Hmong, don’t see it this way.  Yes, some women cheat on their husbands.  Yes, some women leave their husbands for their lovers.  I don’t condone these actions.  However, the actions of the wives do not give the Hmong men any right or excuse to harm or kill their partners.  (Back in Laos, it was very acceptable to “punish” your wife in this way).  And most of the time, the reason why the men would resort to such resolution is when there is already domestic violence in the home.

All of the murder-suicides mentioned are examples of extreme cases of domestic violence.  It is clear that each couple had a history of DV, even if it wasn’t openly stated by reporters.  ”Domestic discord” that plagued the family.  They loved each other, but “turmoil plagued the marriage.”  Suspect making “terrorist threats” to the victim.  Sugar-coating or glossing over domestic violence does not do justice to the victims, their families, or survivors of DV.

It’s unfortunate that DV would catch the Hmong community and its leaders’ attention only after so many women were killed by their husbands or partners.  Yet, this is the reality.  To many cultures—especially the Hmong—it is not considered DV until there are bruises or someone dies.

Disclaimer:  Women can and do abuse, but statistics have shown that men abuse more than women.  That is the reason why the language in this post is gender-specific to men as the abusers.  Additionally, domestic violence can happen in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships and marriages.  Although homosexuality exists in the Hmong, it is still very taboo.  Hmong marriage dynamics are set up for only heterosexuality with very specific gender roles—the wife serves the husband.  And because traditional Hmong culture revolves around heterosexuality and procreation, I will only be focusing on heterosexual Hmong couples.

The biggest challenges for Hmong domestic violence victims

Those who do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence (DV) believe that a victim can just leave her abuser whenever she wants to.  ”If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave?  It must not be that bad, because you keep going back to him.  You have been married to him for 20 years; why’d you stay for that long?”

There are numerous reasons as to why a woman stays with her abuser.  Fear, no money, no support system, the children, immigration issues, addiction, disability, having no self-esteem/self-confidence, and the list goes on and on.  Hmong victims of DV experience these challenges in addition to others specific to the Hmong society.

The biggest challenge any Hmong woman face associated with DV in America is their tie to their culture and community.

Just imagine growing up in a culture where the males have the authority and you’re taught from the day you were born to respect your family over your own needs.  Before a Hmong woman can reach outside her community for help, she would have to jump over this hurdle.  And doing this takes a lot of strength and courage.

I don’t conform to Hmong traditions that oppress women.  And because of this, sometimes, when the subject arises, people question my loyalty to my culture.  ”Why do you hate your people so much?  Why do hate your own culture?  Why are you not a good daughter/daughter-in-law?”  It’s not because I hate my culture or my people; I love my culture—our history, the food, our traditional clothing, our language, music, etc—I just don’t appreciate traditions that oppress my rights as a human being simply because I am a woman.

Sometimes not conforming to culture may lead the community to look down on you, say that you have abandoned your culture, and ostracize you.  Keep in mind that the Hmong value reputation and so being excluded from the community is not something a woman may want.  Many Hmong women only seek help within their Hmong community because of this.  One form of help—which, in my opinion is not very helpful to victims of DV—is the clan system.  Your clan (or family) takes care of your problems.

As stated in an earlier blog, there are 18 official Hmong last names.  These make up 18 official clans.  (I am from the Yang clan; My spouse is from the Xiong clan, which makes me a part of the Xiong clan as well).  The elders (fathers, uncles, brothers, grandfathers, great-uncles) in the clan are the leaders.  When you have problems, you seek out your clan leaders for help.

When a couple is having marital problems, they discuss their problems with their clan leaders.  DV has always been a taboo topic.  You simply just sweep it under the carpet, and this is what the clans have been doing for a very long time.  If a woman requests a mediation with the clan leaders because her husband is abusing her, they will—almost always—tell her to go back home, be patient, and deal with it  (Note: Telling a DV victim to go back to her abuser with no safety plan is very careless and dangerous).

Divorce is highly discouraged, so to many Hmong women, divorce is not the answer.  And if she does have a divorce, she ends up having a bad reputation.  It doesn’t matter what the reasons are for her divorce.  A Hmong woman could’ve divorced her husband because he was cheating or he was abusive, but to others, she has failed as a wife.  And if she were the one to want the divorce and get divorced, many people will change the story to her husband divorced her because of her inability to provide for him.  (Hmoob yuav thuam thiab hais tias nws yog ib tug poj niam tsis zoo es nws thiaj li nrauj nws tus txiv).

Sometimes, because the clan leaders do not grant a divorce, the wife may leave her husband (ua nkauj fa).  Leaving your husband without a divorce is the worst thing a Hmong woman can do to ruin her reputation and that of her family’s.  She is leaving her husband without the consent of her clan, so she is abandoning her duties as a wife and as a daughter.  Leaving your husband is a bigger stigma than divorce and has a history of adulterous wives who leave their husbands for their lovers.  Because of this connotation, even if a Hmong woman’s intentions are genuine, others may not believe so.

Feeling obligated to follow traditions, believing that divorce is not the answer, and not having the support system that a victim may need to gather enough courage to seek help (because family continuously tell her to go back to her abuser) are the biggest barriers a Hmong woman may have.  Other barriers may be not speaking English, being misinformed or not informed of resources available, and—like all DV victims—the feeling of helplessness.

Disclaimer:  Women can and do abuse, but statistics have shown that men abuse more than women.  That is the reason why the language in this post is gender-specific to men as the abusers.  Additionally, domestic violence can happen in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships and marriages.  Although homosexuality exists in the Hmong, it is still very taboo.  Hmong marriage dynamics are set up for only heterosexuality with very specific gender roles—the wife serves the husband.  And because traditional Hmong culture revolves around heterosexuality and procreation, I will only be focusing on heterosexual Hmong couples.